Groundhog day

It's somehow appropriate that I have to go have another biopsy on GD.

My appointment is at 1:30. I won't know any details for a few days. In the meantime, happy thoughts...send 'em!

déjà vu

....And I was soooo optimistic that 2012 was going to be a better year.

I recently found out that my December mammograms (two, BTW) revealed some more spots of something. That means that next week, I will be having another biopsy.

Same shit, different year.

I know the drill; don't worry about anything until you get the result in your hand. Don't think about worst case scenarios and how you'll look bald after all your hair falls out (terrible, for the record. I have at least 2 huge birthmarks on my head that will cause me grief). There are many treatments, some of which you experienced, and they weren't horrible. It's early; we probably caught it early enough.

Still.

I'm annoyed.

I'm depressed.

I don't feel like going to any more doctors.

I don't feel optimistic.

I want to hibernate and not come out until June.

I want to scream and cry "Why ME?". I took it like a champ the first time; I did everything that was asked of me. I take a drug daily to prevent reoccurrence. I paid my dues.

Still. Cancer wins.

I am accepting all the good mojo, vibes, prayers and juju you want to send me!

One month check up

I had a follow up appointment with my radiation oncologist today and everything looks good! My skin is almost totally healed with only the slighest bit of pink. It healed much quicker than I thought it would. I'm very pleased with it!

Next week I see the medical oncologist to begin my regimen of Tamoxifen. I will have to continue to see someone every 6 months for the next few years, but other than that, cancer should be a memory and nothing more!

A week post radiation

It's been a busy few weeks around here. I've been meaning to post about life after radiation and just have been too tired to come up with words.

The first 2 days I didn't see any change. My skin was still scaly and red, tender and sensitive to the touch. When I woke up the third day, there was a big change. It looked like I had burned myself with a hot iron in the area where the boost was directed. Instantly everything made it hurt. I slathered lotions and ointments on it in an effort to stave off the irritation. Sleeping was difficult, as every time I flipped over, the skin under my arm pulled and stung.

By day 5 it was very scaly and hurt when I raised my arm. It just pulled the skin tight. I'd forget until I'd go to reach for something and feel the pull. But it passed within 2 days.

I started to peel, so I just keep moisturizing. The biggest spot of alligator skin has now turned into baby pink skin, tender and new.

I still have a lot of peeling to do, and fading of the brown pigment, but I think the worst of it has passed. All in all, it wasn't horrible...it was like a really bad sunburn. Uncomfortable and rough at first but tolerable.

And I got the best surprise from Bart. He booked me a flight to Florida for some mandatory R&R with my Dad & Stepmom at their condo on the beach. I leave Early Wednesday morning and I get to stay for a whole week. I am one lucky girl. Of course I'm going to have to keep my burned skin out of the sun, but there's plenty of me not burned that could use a little warm sunshine. It's going to be so awesome.

2 more days!

In two days I will be finished with radiation. I am beyond excited!

I won't miss driving to the Cancer Center daily for treatment. I won't miss wearing the stiff hospital gown. I won't miss the blue marker on my clothes.

I had my last visit with the doctor yesterday and got my discharge papers. She also gave me a prescription for a healing cream, and warned that my skin will become worse before it becomes better. The effects of the boost haven't even taken their toll yet, and already I have some blistering and very sort spots. My armpit especially...It hurts like an SOB. Hopefully the cream will help ease it.

In other news, Winter decided to return with a vengance on Sunday night. After enjoying 50 degrees and sunshine last week, it hardly seems fair to get 12" of newfallen snow. It was coming down fast and furious, and we were out in it. Cars were off the roads and getting stuck going up the smallest of inclines. I've never seen anything like it. My little Pepper just motors right through! I love AWD. School was out Monday for mid-winter break, and I was surprised to wake up this morning and find the kids still in bed! The roads were so bad, still. I guess the severity of the storm caught everyone off guard.

I toook the above photo with my iPhone, using the camera bag app. This filter is called 'silver'. I am having lots of fun playing with it :)

5 day boost

Today marked 5 days of treatment left and what the oncologists call 'the boost'. They are no longer treating the whole breast, but focusing on the incision site. The treatment is shorter, but more intense. And I'm having a lot of pain and discomfort, so I guess it's working!

As prep for the boost, the doc drew all over my breast with blue magic marker. It's rubbing off on my clothes and skin, so I look faintly blue on my whole right side. So pretty! And that's on top of the alligator skin. I can't wait to be done. I can't wait to wash off all of the marker.

4more.

20:30

Yesterday marked my 20th radiation treatment. I am officially 2/3 of the way done! In December, that seemed like such a long time, but it's passed very quickly.

In general, I feel pretty good. But I am tired. I am so tired. By 5 or 6pm I am very unfocused and have a hard time doing much of anything.

I've tried napping in the afternoon, but that hasn't been working. There's always a dog barking, or the phone rings, or a kid runs down the hall like a herd of elephants (seriously. Must you run so hard?) Saturday I slept for almost 3 hours, and Sunday for 2. It was much needed.

My skin is looking pretty bad, like I took a cheese grater to it. Very red and rashy. I have lesions. The breast itself hurt most of the time. My biggest fear is that being fair skinned, that all the redness will not go away after treatment. Or that every time I'm in the sun I will burn easily.

But then I remember the 100% cure rate and I try not to worry.

10 more to go!

Hello, February!

Today was supposed to have been treatment 15...half way through. Instead, today is a snow day. A day to spend in the house and contemplating the end of winter, which feels like a million years away.

Snowmagedden? Not so much. We got about 5 inches, doubling what we had. No 'storm of the century' snowfall. I feel cheated.

week one, done!

Today marks one week since I began radiation therapy.

The treatments are going well...they take hardly any time at all (that is, unless they want to do a bunch of films. Why they need to take so many films is beyond me. I'm sure by the time I'm finished there will be a whole drawer of stuff just about me) and the biggest part of my time is spent driving to and from the cancer center.

My techs are really nice and always greet me with big smiles.

The radiation itself is completely painless. I am starting to experience some of the side effects. My skin looks like it has a slight sunburn and feels a bit tight. I've also had some hard-to-describe pain. It could be from the internal healing and scar tissue. It could be from my monthly cycle. It could be from the radiation. I know that no matter what I do and how careful I am, some of it is to be expected. After all, I have to wear my breasts all day. They are going to bump into things and whatnot. I have to learn to not flop over at night. That's my worst habit.

So, only 5 more weeks to go!

Getting radiation is just like going to the tanning booth

Except I am laying on my stomach in a weird position

and I didn't put on any suntan lotion

and my arms are numb from holding them over my head

and I'm not wearing funny goggles

and there isn't a fan blowing warm air over me

and my skin isn't golden brown.

Turns out radiation is nothing like going to the tanning booth.

1 down, 29 to go.

Let the radiation begin!

Today was radiation oncologist day.

The results were as expected...6 weeks of radiation 5 days a week, followed by 5 years of Tamoxifen. I've heard nothing but good things about the treatment, so I am optimistic that it will go smoothly and the side effects will be minimal.

By the way, I loved the radiation oncologist. I wish I had seen her first. She sat directly in front of me and talked to me in a level tone never taking her eyes off me. She explained things in very simple to understand terms. She answered any questions I had before I had time to form them. I just got a good 'vibe' from her.

Tomorrow I return for a baseline mammogram. They check for any calcification remnants (which is the thing that tipped off the radiologist...calcification occurs naturally in your body as a result of cell death, but when it shows up in the breast it can mean that there is rapid growth of other cells. Bad cells. I learned something today!) so they will know what the post-surgery tissue looks like. Then on Thursday I go in for a full body CT scan. This is to measure every part of my body and to mark where the radiation will occur. She'll give me 2 'tattoos' to mark the spots. Hopefully a week later I can begin the radiation.

The one part of this whole ordeal that really sucks is that I have to have my miracle IUD removed. IUD risk of blood clots + Tamoxifen risk of blood clots= too much risk. I am bummed out beyond belief. I had more than 4 years left on it, and we payed for it out of pocket. and did I mention it was a miracle worker? My next option is hysterectomy. Grr. Not ready or wanting to deal with that now. One step at a time.

That's all for now!

follow up

Oncologist.

Kind of a scary word.

And I have to meet with two of them!

I will be meeting with the medical oncologist on December 29th

and the radiation oncologist on January 3rd.

There is no rush, and I have so many things to take care of before we leave for Florida next week. I didn't want one more thing thrown in the mix.

Now that I've had a few days to process the information, the diagnosis isn't so bad. There are far worse things to have happen than DCIS, and from everything I have read, almost totally curable. My gyn called the other day while I wasn't at home and spoke to Bart for a bit. She had the same diagnosis 15 years ago and has come out of it with no further problems.

So while the diagnosis is 'cancer', I don't really call it 'cancer'. That word gives it too much power. And I want to be the one with all the power.

Remember to get your mammograms!

Ductal Carcinoma in Situ

Well, the news isn't what I'd hoped for, but it's not worst-case scenario either.

In my right breast, I have DCIS, ductal carcinoma in situ. The earliest form of breast cancer. It's not life threatening, but can develop into cancer if left untreated.

From the Mayo Clinic: Ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS) is considered the earliest form of breast cancer. In DCIS, abnormal cells multiply and form a growth within a milk duct of your breast. DCIS is noninvasive, meaning it hasn't spread out of the milk duct to invade other parts of the breast.

My type is classified as cribriform, or low grade. I can't tell from the report if my margins are good or not good enough.

I will meet with an oncologist, a radiologist & my surgeon to determine my course of treatment. It may be radiation. It may be tamoxifen. It may be more surgery, up to and including mastectomy. I will most likely need radiation on my left breast as well, although the phyllodes tumor and the DCIS are completely different diagnoses. It seems really weird to me that two completely different but distructive things are going on in my body at the same time.

I am a little freaked out. I mean, the news isn't good but not the worst either. Almost 100% of treated DCIS cases are cured. Good odds! I guess what's freaking me out is the constant thought in the back of my mind as to whether it will come back. I want to treat it and be done with it. I don't want it lingering around to torment me.

Onto the next round!

lumpectomy & biopsy

My surgery was on Wednesday and wiped me out way more than I thought it would. I had the idea that I was going to be out of it the remainder of the day on Wednesday, then fine for the rest of the holiday weekend. This turned out to not be the case. I learned 2 very important lessons:

1) Vicodin is not my friend.

2) Your body needs more time to recover than you think it will.

The pre-surgery prep was standard. No less than 2 dozen people asking what you've come in for. Sign this form. Talk to this person. Change into a gown. Sign this form. And this one. Get your IV. Here's another form. A quick visit from the surgeon. Sign this form (I think in total I signed 16 things, and Bart signed several more for me. Crazy.)

I mentioned that I had to get some wires implanted to help guide the surgeon to where he needs to cut...ultrasounds are impractical while in surgery. This was by far the worst part. I started by getting a new mammogram on my right breast. While my breast was still clamped in the machine, I had to stand there for 5 to 10 minutes while the doctor inserted the wire. With a fishook on the end. While I'm clamped. It was awful. It felt like it was poking all the way through me.According to the doctor, the pain and difficulty were due to scar tissue from the previous biopsy. I really wasn't sure I was going to be able to take it. The left side was much easier. No mammogram, no clamping. He did it by ultrasound. The position of the tumor did not require the 'digging' that the right side did. Plus I think this doctor numbed it better. It was quicker and much less painful.

By now I just wanted to be done and on my way home. Ha.

I remember them wheeling me to the operating room, and skooching over onto the table, and that's it. I woke up in recovery feeling really tired and with a dull pain in my chest. About an hour later I got to go home. I wasn't feeling too bad, but I slept for hours and hours. Bart would wake me every 4 to take vicodin and make me drink water. I tried to get up and watch some tv and eat a little something at 8pm, but I just ended up throwing up and going back to bed.

Thursday morning was more of the same, except now I had a headcahe and backache to contend with as well. My sinuses were killing me, so I took some sinus medication in the hopes that it would releive some of the pressure in my head. I've had enough headaches and taken enough medication to know that part of the problem was 'rebound'. I stopped taking the Vicodin and switched to Tylenol. And more sleep. More water.

We went to my dad's house for Thanksgiving dinner, but I ended up sleeping almost the entire time. I was able to eat and keep down a tiny bit of mashed potatoes and turkey. The more time that passed, the less sick I felt...just tired. After sleeping 36 hours it seems ridiculous to be so tired! I still feel the tired, but am awake much more. My back and legs were cramping up from too much laying down, so I make sure to get up and walk around all the time. My chest aches a bit, but Aleve takes most of the pain away. I need to start taking it before bed though...the last 2 nights I've gotten up in the middle of the night after flopping over onto my stomach to sleep. My breastbone hurts from the mammography machine.

The incisions are looking pretty good. No stitches, no staples...I am held together by glue, of all things! I finally got the Sharpie off my right side. I will wear a bra 24/7 until the glue is gone and the ache stops. I will visit the doctor in a week. I will wait patiently for the pathology reports and a clean bill of health.

Thanks to all of my friends and family for their kind words of support and love. It does make the entire process so much easier. Thanks for lifting me up when I've been feeling down.