How do you like my Hummer now???

George Carlin once said "Anyone who drives slower than you is a moron, and anyone who drives faster than you is a maniac."

This wise sentiment is never more true than driving in Michigan in the winter.

We got about 3 inches of snow today and people lost their shit.

I was seriously pissed off by the end of running around today and I need to vent!

I will limit my rant to driving related offences.

1. Did you not take driver's ed? Do you not remember the part about keeping to the right lane except to pass? Just in case you forgot (which could happen) there are road signs to remind you that this is a law! Move the f*%#@ over so people who want to drive the speed limit can.

2. When it snows, please take more than 5 seconds and a one gloved swipe at clearing your windows. You have windows in your car so you can see other cars. I don't like getting stuck behind your sorry ass because you pulled out blindly into traffic and your snow is now flying off and blinding me. You are an asshat. Do us all a huge favor and stay home.

3.If you pull into a parking space and you are very very crooked, back up and straighten out. We went to the ice festival the other day and some idiot in a foreign car was parked so crookedly you would think his pants were on fire. When his back seat passenger opened their door, they slammed it into our car. While we were standing there. His excuse to us? the baby was crying. And it's not that serious. Needless to say we were pissed. Have some f*(@ing respect.

4. Get off the phone. Seriously. I know we all do it, but since I started watching other drivers, I try not to do it at all. No one is so important that they need to be on the phone all the time. Unless you are like, a brain surgeon or something. Driving takes all of your concentration, or it should. And if you are a brain surgeon guiding a resident through his first solo surgery, pull over. The dude at the end of the scalpel deserves your full attention.

5. Just because there is a little bit of snow on the roadway, the lanes of traffic haven't changed. Really, they are the same lines that were there yesterday. Just because they are a little obscured you do not have permission to drive anywhere you want or make right turns from the far left lane. If you are facing opposing traffic, you are in the wrong lane. Not safe people.

6. If Michigan roads are under construction approx. 8-9 months a year, how come all the roads I travel on look like they belong in a war torn country??? I know there are many places around the world with more severe weather, more snow, more ice, and their roads don't need to be replaced every six months.

7. Do not give me a dirty glare or honk at me because I am driving 30mph when you are driving 10mph. I have a f$#@ing four wheel drive vehicle, and I know how to drive in the snow. I see you clutching the wheel with white knuckles, and my primary goal, other than to arrive at my destination safely, is to get as far away from you as possible. You are nervous and I don't want to be anywhere near you. See that open road up ahead? That's where I want to be. I don't want to die on my way to CVS.

8. Engineers- can we stop with the superfluous third or fourth wipe every time you spray the windshield? Two is enough to clear the gook. The next one just smears the windshield, making you need to spray again. It's annoying as shit.

9. slop. I've really had enough with the slop. I hate trudging thru parking lots 4 inches deep with sludge. And I can't stand my car doors being covered with it.

10. I live on a fairly busy and well travelled intersection. Twice this winter it took 3 days before it was plowed satisfactorily. Not acceptable. I know it's hard to keep up with the snowfall, but it pisses me off when I see parking lots plowed and not the damn street.

Oh I feel so much better. How many days until spring?